 On being careful what you wish for
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Nov. 29th, 2005 @ 02:00 pm 
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For those odd times when M has a little, um, difficulty getting hard, he’s discovered a sure-fire, side-effect-free cure that doesn’t come in a pill-bottle.
He spanks me.
No kidding. In the time it takes him to deliver a dozen to fifteen stinging slaps to my arse, he goes from doughy to doughty, without my having to lift a finger or curl a tongue.
When I remarked on this phenomenon, he allowed that it wasn’t spanking me that made him hard.
“No?” I said. “What is it then?”
“It’s knowing that spanking you turns you on,” he said. “That’s what makes me hard. Knowing you want me.”
And here I was all along, hoping against hope that he was spanking me because I was such a horny little fuckslut and cockwhore! But no, even as my pragmatic husband indulged my little kink, he saw no point in it until he noticed the, um, point.
Because it makes all the sense in the world to him now, he pursues it with the gusto of a convert, relishing all the little details, the pinkness and fingerprints, the squirming and whimpering, the echoes. For my part, I appreciate the end result.
But. You knew there was a but coming, didn't you? How can I explain this? Now that spanking has become a means to his ends, it’s lost a bit of, well, oomph for me.
It’s become something we do for him.
Yes, I know, I said I wanted to be spanked. You all heard me grouse here about how he wouldn't spank me and how I tried to get him to spank me, and here I am finally getting spanked on a regular basis and it turns out that it’s not spanking I wanted after all.
More accurately, it’s not just spanking I wanted. I want the mind-fuck that goes with spanking, the darkness and the twist. I want the context of punishment, submission, and control of pleasure.
I’m not sure where to go from here. So go on, call me a spoiled and contrary bitch. Show me what I’ve got coming. Take me over your knee and teach me the lesson I deserve. You know you wanna.
Just make it a good hard one.
**************
BUY IT FOR A BUCK
Read how Grace Marjoribanks becomes a sex slave in Khartoum in Woman and Her Master.
***************Feeling: like I don't wanna Listening to: Lonely No More, Rob Thomas |
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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November 29th, 2005 01:15 pm (UTC) |
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I tend to think it has something to do with the person we're with. If they just don't GET it... if the feeling isn't there for THEM... bleh. Communication is important in a relationship... but surely it was more blissful to not know....
I would be less than truthful if I didn't say yes to all of the above.
DTG xxoo
Um, no. The essential message you're espousing there is: "I want my partner to read my mind (damn them for not getting it magically). Meanwhile, because my partner's desires don't match with mine, that makes my partner lacking. I'm carefully not considering the idea that from my partner's point of view, he could just as easily say that I'm lacking, since I'm making demands on him that he's guaranteed to fail at."
Incompatible desires happen. It's not clear whether you've never explained in completely blunt terms that you want to be controlled -- but if you *have*, in fact, completely bluntly explained your desire and he said he couldn't do it, then try compromising. Ask him to take control in tiny ways (ask him to pin your hands during sex, to grab your head during oral, etc.) Just being heard will relieve your frustration a little, I think.
The thing is---check my index under Chez DTG---, I have asked repeatedly. I have explained. I have told him what I want. I have given him things to read. I have stood on my fucking head. We have talked. We have schmoozed. We have laughed. And he still doesn't get it. He's stuck.
Oh to be young again, when everything was cut and dried.
DTG xxoo
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| From: | ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) pumagirl |
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December 2nd, 2005 09:34 pm (UTC) |
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THAT's what he needs to do... smoke some pot!!!
Chickie, you are SO right!
;)
DTG xxoo
Hey DTG,
Sorry it took me so long to get back; life's been busy. I dunno, I ran through your index, and while it's hinted at in one or two entries that you've asked him to take a more active role, that's not the same as either explaining that this is essential, not optional, to your happiness, nor is it the same as showing with actions and roleplay.
How much of your frustration is frustration over the fact that he's not someone else?
Bingo.
I started this journal/journey with the hope that I could change him, that is, lead him along the path of D/s and find the thing in him that answers the needs I could no longer ignore, after years---decades---of denial.
I am discovering that wholesale change may not be possible. A person can go only so far before they run up against innate limitations and the habits of a lifetime.
As a reader remarked once, It's as if I'm saying to him, "I want you to be a pianist." Musicality is an inborn talent developed by training and practice, fed by an urge to play the instrument. Music lessons can only go so far in making a musician of a person with little talent or interest in becoming one.
I think the same goes for a sexual dominant. If the spark is not in him, the desire to dominate, no amount of explaining will put it there. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn.
So the question becomes, what do I do about this, this wanting something that he cannot give me through no fault of his own? If I urge him to do things with me that he finds no pleasure in, he will go through the motions and end up feeling inadequate and insecure, whereas right now, he is perfectly content with our sex life.
At the same time, it is dishonest of me to pretend that everything is fine. Hence the tenor of my posts.
Thanks for your comments and I hope you'll keep reading.
DTG xxoo
Just want to point out again that for anyone trying to make sense of my sex life, this journal is by conscious choice more collage than chronicle. Not every little thing that happens chez DTG gets recorded here, but I do try to note, um, seminal things.
I know. Bad pun. Hehe.
DTG xxoo
Of course it's not fine. I think there are further questions implied by the idea of "what do I want to do about this?"
How honest is it appropriate to be with him about the fact that you're unhappy? Will it break your marriage, or merely stir up unhappy waters, to tell him this? I tend to be willing to risk stirring up for the sake of honesty, because at that point, next steps can be negotiated together, rather than alone, and the resentment that you have can clear the air. I mean, it seems pretty clear that you realize his limits, so while you're angry at the situation and also at him, the tone of "I still love you" should eventually come through anyway. And if he's intelligent, he'll get that.
And then you can see what you want from there.
If he finds out it's become less of a turn on for you, will it become less of a turn on for him? Then what would happen? It's like some sort of reverse reciprocity that might bring it full circle....a moebius spank.
You have asked precisely the questions I was dodging, of course.
DTG xxoo
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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November 29th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC) |
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On being careful what you wish for......
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Of course he beats you because he wants to! Only self delusion will allow any other interpretation. Try writing about it. Call it "Gullible's Travails" or "All's well if my end's well!"
Englishman
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Re: On being careful what you wish for......
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Englishman? Yes, you'd have to be. Love those titles.
Traditionally this is phrased involving the purchase of flowers, what leaps to my mind is that you don't want him to spank you, you want him to WANT to spank you. Makes perfect sense to me.
Some people are just about the physical sensation, the smack of hand on ass. But over-the-knee is such an iconic gesture of power/submission (and a delicious one to play with at that), I'm totally hip to the fact that it can lose a bit of the appeal if the energy exchange is not a two-way thing.
When you drop of the fist-full of hair and the "You naughty, naughty little brat!" from the equation... yeah, if that's what does it for you, missing out on that energy leaves one with a somewhat mechanical experience.
I appreciate administering a good spanking either with or without the Dom/sub energy. But i do love indulging it when it's on the menu.
Here's hoping he comes to appreciate some kink in his diet for it's own sake. :D
Oh God. You and me, you sure we didn't share the same husband?
Once I realised he spanked me for ME, and not to please himself, because I deserved it, because I was a slut and a bitch.. well it just became a sensation.
It's not the activities themselves that make something BDSM. It's the mindfuck *with* the activities.
J can get me fully into subspace without touching me. On the phone. Using just two or three words. Of course I love spanking, mmmmmm. But it's the mindfuck that counts.
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| From: | dbang |
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November 29th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC) |
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Gosh, I like your husband. What a good sport! He's totally drop-dead hot for you and he's willing to venture into unfamiliar with not innately hot territory for your pleasure. What a nice guy.
Too bad girls like you and me don't look for "nice" in a guy, at least behind the bedroom door. :-(
Yes, he is an incredibly nice guy, and no, we don't want a nice guy in the bedroom.
;)
DTG xxoo
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| From: | nosgirl |
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November 29th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC) |
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In the beginning of my relations with my boyfriend, it was purely by accident that he discovered I liek being spanked. We had talked about it before, about random kinks we had, but I don't think it really set in until afterwards.
Two Halloweens ago, we both got pretty damn drunk at a party, went back to his place and he got to do all of the things he had been invisioning since he got to the party and saw me in the schoolgirl outfit I was wearing.
Since we were both drunk, what inhibitions we still had went out the window. Just thinking or talking about that night is still something that will get us turned on.
But anyways. At one point, he did spank me and it is something he has done off and on since then. Though, it wasn't until the last time he did it that I noticed he was getting hard during it.
| From: | lo_vino |
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November 29th, 2005 07:35 pm (UTC) |
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have you tried doing something beforehand that actually makes him angry with you?
No, and I won't do that. I'm not sure D/s is safely carried out in the context of anger.
DTG xxoo
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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November 30th, 2005 05:22 am (UTC) |
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You asked for it.
I think, in a way, he's at least on the right track, if headed in the wrong direction.
He had tuned in to something that you enjoy, that you've been wanting him to tune into all along.
He just needs to be a little more selfish about it, which might come about as a side-effect to it all anyhow.
So long as you don't keep pushing the bar too far out of reach each time he reaches for it.
Now stop being so headstrong, take your whacks and do as you're told.
- Outburst.
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right spank/wrong spunk
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Mmmmmm....punishment....mmmmm.....spanking....
But Rob Thomas?
OUCH!
That you should be spanked for.
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| From: | pumagirl |
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December 1st, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC) |
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:)
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What a fabulous post as a first read/introduction to pussy talk!
Thanks and welcome!
;)
DTG xxoo
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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December 1st, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC) |
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I'm interested in the idea of placing D/s within a context of "asking" for something like being spanked, or getting your partner to do that, or worse yet, complaining--however mildly--when it becomes something you do for him. I'd call that topping from the bottom. Or maybe it's the difference between "kink" and "s"...In any case, I'd call a D/s relationship one where the balance of power is skewed in favour of the D partner, and that's whose needs gets met.
Incidentally, I don't necessarily think you have to have a punishment dynamic in a relationship to get your control needs met. Or your pain needs met (if you have those, or your partner does). It's pretty complicated, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you're a bitch or not: what matters is how you've structured your own relationship. And what your partner says what matters, right?
--LitChick
Hmm. Can you clarify what you're saying here? Because it sounds, with no offense intended, like you're blaming your husband for being pleased at pleasing you.
If he's not giving you what you want, instead of blaming him, wouldn't it be more sensible to just ask to be mindfucked?
Yes, now how to go about doing that to someone who has no idea what a mind-fuck is....
I just get tired of being teacher.
DTG xxoo
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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December 2nd, 2005 05:08 pm (UTC) |
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First time here
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I've been reading you for some time now, and I still don't understand what's on your mind. You're trying something impossible. He just doesn't get it. He's not into it.
I'm sorry for being so blunt, but althought I enjoy reading your journal very much, I also get very sad at times. I could say it's almost frustrating to me. I don't think you're going to get what you desire, at least not from your husband. And I feel really sorry.
Good luck, anyway. I hope the best for you.
And excuse my rusty English, as it's not my mother tongue (actually, it's not even my second tongue, sorry again, I know you like good writing!).
Best wishes,
María
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Re: First time here
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Thank you, Maria.
And don't apologise for your English---your command of the language is amazing.
DTG xxoo
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